zrs70
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Posts: 3488
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How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Sun Aug 28, 2016 2:42 pm

We are often hard-wired into saying things like:

"This happened for a reason"

Or

"I know how you feel."

This arcticle helps us be the best we can in the face of a friend's tragic loss:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/speak-someon ... able-loss/
18 year airliners.net vet! 2000-2017
 
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PacificBeach88
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Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:43 pm

I liked this book: It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too) by Nora McInerny Purmort. She's a Minneapolis based author that lost her husband, father, and unborn child individually, all in the span of a year when she was 31 years old. Believe it or not the book has a lot of funny moments in it.

Interview: http://mspmag.com/arts-and-culture/still-kickin/

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Okay-Laugh-C ... 0062419374
 
DLFREEBIRD
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Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Mon Aug 29, 2016 4:03 am

The advice in that article hit the nail on the head. it's so much easier to try to avoid someone who has suffered a terrible loss. It's silly to think that they won't notice that you are trying to avoid them. This is new territory for many people, and i liked the advice of dealing with your own feelings first, before you try to be there for the person who's just trying to get through the day.
 
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cpd
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Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Mon Aug 29, 2016 1:28 pm

zrs70 wrote:
We are often hard-wired into saying things like:

"This happened for a reason"

Or

"I know how you feel."

This arcticle helps us be the best we can in the face of a friend's tragic loss:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/speak-someon ... able-loss/


I know someone who was in that awful situation recently. Couldn't help but feel absolutely terrible for him facing such a devastating loss, and why is it that it hapoens to the really nice people as well, as the cruel twist of fate usually goes. :(

I wasn't totally sure what to say at first either, but I did let him know that we will all be there and help out however we could.

Thank goodness though that I remembered some very wise and kind words from Sobhi51 on this forum here. At least I wasn't totally wordless.
 
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neutrino
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Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Fri Sep 02, 2016 6:29 am

cpd wrote:
Thank goodness though that I remembered some very wise and kind words from Sobhi51 on this forum here. At least I wasn't totally wordless.

Care to share those very wise and kind words here? Thanks in advance.
Potestatem obscuri lateris nescitis
 
seb146
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Joined: Wed Dec 01, 1999 7:19 am

Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Fri Sep 02, 2016 7:07 am

My mom knew some people who asphyxiated on a hunting trip. They left their gas heater on and they ended up dying from the fumes. Tragic, but I told her that it will remind people to check propane tanks. No one should have to die, but sometimes death serves a purpose.
You say Merry Christmas, I say All Holidays Matter
 
flipdewaf
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Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Fri Sep 02, 2016 9:22 am

A friends dad died recently (58) and whilst a terrible thing to happen and very sad for the whole family I made a very important decision to talk to my friend about him. not about his death but about all the fun and stupid things that I knew and that I had experienced about him. During the funeral there was a very sombre moment at which point my friends 3yr old daughter piped up and said "He was very grumpy when the cricket was on wasn't he grandma" and with that the sombreness was gone and every was back to remembering what a good guy he was.

Fred
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YourselfMim
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Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Tue Oct 10, 2017 2:22 am

zrs70 wrote:
We are often hard-wired into saying things like:

"This happened for a reason"

Or

"I know how you feel."

This arcticle helps us be the best we can in the face of a friend's tragic loss:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/speak-someon ... able-loss/


The article is really helpful.
As for me, I believe that faith can get you out from the difficult situation you are in.
I always read these quotes during difficult times: https://ponbee.com/quotes-about-faith/
Sharing :)
 
BestWestern
Posts: 7789
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2000 8:46 pm

Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:20 am

It’s not the words, but the compassion behind the words that matters.

Also, a “I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to..”
Greetings from Hong Kong.... a subsidiary of China Inc.
 
Flighty
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Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2007 3:07 am

Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:56 am

Being there. I think the old saying is true; you learn who your real friends are when you are in your time of need. They show up.

No words necessary. Showing up is an ultimate sign of respect in this day and age, when we are all so "connected" and "busy." Just show up. There is also a good saying that in the aftermath of tragedy, many people focus on the funeral, but things empty out and return to "normal" 2-3 weeks later. It gets uncomfortably quiet. That is the time when you can make a difference by showing up.
 
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mariner
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Re: How to Speak to Someone about an Unthinkable Loss

Thu Oct 12, 2017 2:25 am

Flighty wrote:
Being there. I think the old saying is true; you learn who your real friends are when you are in your time of need. They show up.

No words necessary. Showing up is an ultimate sign of respect in this day and age, when we are all so "connected" and "busy." Just show up. There is also a good saying that in the aftermath of tragedy, many people focus on the funeral, but things empty out and return to "normal" 2-3 weeks later. It gets uncomfortably quiet. That is the time when you can make a difference by showing up.


Yes, I agree, but I would add to that "going away."

I was hospitalised (ICU) in April with a severe infection - sepsis - and I was appalled at how many people came to visit - not that they came, but that they stayed.

I knew and appreciated that they came to show that they cared, but I was a mess. I had a relentlessly high temperature and I could hardly speak. As well as the sepsis, I had been diagnosed as having metastasised cancers and had been given two months to live (that diagnosis was really wrong - LOL). I couldn't really talk to my friends because all I knew was how sick I felt andI didn't want to talk to anyone. While it was great that they'd come, I wished with all my heart that they'd go away, because they all wanted to DO something to make me feel better and there was nothing they could do. They would realise this and that made it worse, for them, because then they felt desperately inadequate.

It would have been so much better if they'd just stuck their head in and made a joke or some cheerful comment or even simply "we'll talk when you're out of here."

So I asked the hospital staff to tell people (except for my partner) that I was drugged up and sleeping.

mariner
aeternum nauta

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